Walking On The Waves

The disciples traveled often with Jesus on the boat. They spent every day with Him. However, on one occasion they couldn't recognize Jesus walking towards them on the water. They weren't amazed by the miracle happening right before their eyes. Instead, the Bible tells us they were absolutely terrified! So terrified that they believed Jesus was a ghost. 

How fascinating is it that we can confuse what is actually helpful or good as something that appears to be harmful? When Jesus said to them, "Be still. It is I. You have nothing to fear," His disciple Peter was the only one who was drawn toward the miracle unfolding in front of them. Peter said, "Lord, if it is really You, then command me to meet You on the water." When Jesus said, "Indeed, come," Peter stepped out onto the water and began to walk towards Jesus. However, when Peter realized how high the waves were, he became frightened and started to sink. 

I love that Peter was brave - that he wanted to be part of an incredible miracle with Jesus. What trust Peter had in Jesus! But Peter is no different than you or I. When we look at our circumstances - the waves - our faith is often deflated. 

It's not the waves that cause us to sink. It is simply because we have put our focus and our trust in our personal circumstances and not directly on the ability and faithfulness of our Lord!

Jesus said to Peter, "Why did you doubt?"

I remember staring homosexuality directly in the face. All I knew in that specific moment was that I felt indisputably gay, and that I wanted nothing more than to marry the amazing woman who stood before me and made my heart oh so very happy. 

I had doubt.

When I looked at the waves of my life, I believed I would have to live a miserable life single and alone or with a man who didn’t truly make me happy in order to go to heaven. I also knew that if I chose happiness here on earth with the woman of my dreams, it meant from that day forward I was telling God I didn’t care what His word said or what His plans were for my life – and that would result in me spending eternity in hell.

As I continued to stare at the waves, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The waves were ragingly high, and as they came crashing down, overwhelm and doubt flooded my mind and my heart. It was comparable to me driving down the highway late at night, in the pitch black and extremely thick fog, unable to see where I was going or what was directly ahead of me. The only thing in clear sight was my sin that felt so good…felt so right…the amazing woman who was the love of my life. 

I battled the waves and the fog for quite some time. I questioned if homosexuality was so wrong, why didn’t God intervene in my life sooner? Why didn’t He stop me from getting lost so deep in homosexuality? “God, if You only would have intervened and stopped me sooner, I wouldn’t be in this extremely difficult and painful situation right now.”

I felt like Martha when she said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here sooner, my brother [Lazarus] would not have died.”

Because I grew up in a Christian home, I always knew God had a plan for my life. What I failed to realize was the key to watching my miracle plan unfold was complete trust and submission to Him. In that moment, I couldn’t see anything but my sin. My sin kept yelling at me saying, “You’ll never be happy! You’ll never be able to change! You were born this way! God can’t give you everything you’ve ever wanted! It’s impossible! Everything you’ve ever wanted is right here before your eyes! If you give her up, you will regret this for the rest of your life!” 

It wasn’t until I became brave enough to stop focusing on the waves of my life circumstances and redirect my focus on the Lord that the darkness started to fade, the fog started to dissipate, and peace settled within my heart.  

I remember sitting in my car outside of my soon-to-be fiancé’s house…

“…how did I end up here, Lord? I never thought this would happen to me. Today, I feel like I can’t do this. I feel like I cannot give up the woman that I love so much. This lifestyle of homosexuality is all that I know. I’m terrified Lord because I don’t know what is next. I can’t see what is directly ahead. Everything within me and the voices around me are telling me that I can’t do this…that I can’t accomplish this task You have set before me. Lord, I want nothing more than to drive away and keep living my life just as it is, but I know this is not what pleases You and is not who You have called me to be.

Lord, I believe in You. I believe Your word to be true. And if You are who You say You are, then You will take care of me. You won’t give me more than I can handle. And on those days when I feel as though I am drowning like Peter, I can rest assured that You will rescue me too.

Lord, I don’t know what my future holds. Only You do. Please give me the strength to get through the difficult task of ending this relationship today. Give me peace and comfort as I grieve over this woman that I so desperately want to marry. Lord, I’m anxious and overwhelmed right now, but I trust You. I promise to never stay silent about Your faithfulness to me if You bring me through this...”

As I exited my vehicle [tears streaming down my face], the very moment my foot hit the pavement and I began to walk, my focus was no longer on the waves of my life circumstances. My focus was on Him. I reached for the hand of Jesus that day, just like Peter did. And together we walked on the waves, hand-in-hand.  

As I reflect upon my life and how far the Lord has brought me since that specific moment in time, I am so very thankful that He didn’t intervene any sooner. If He would have, I wouldn’t be here telling the world how great my Lord is! And I wouldn’t be able to give Him the glory He deserves! 

Sometimes we need to stop questioning the Lord’s timing like Martha… 

Sometimes we need to stop being so intimidated by the waves like Peter... 

What has you questioning the Lord’s timing in your life like Martha? What circumstances in your life are like the waves that intimidated Peter? Perhaps He is using the waves and fog to draw your focus on Him so He can show you exactly how to walk on water.

-Brandy